My “Shrink” Rap

By admin • June 24th, 2009

This is the true story of the amazing shrinking woman.

I have been tall since the sixth grade. I remember looking down at boys and liking that feeling of being able to make them feel awkward. A tall girl was like a the plague – avoid coming into contact at all costs. But I like being tall. Now I am not as tall as Gina and my dream height is one inch shy of six feet. Made it to 5′ 81 /2″ by sixth grade. Spent the rest of school in the last row of any picture of any group from then on. Me and Esme – the amazon girls. We would drawn pictures during chorus and I would get kicked out. One day Esme left with me because she felt it wasn’t fair. She was drawing also, but she was better behaved.

I loved to wear heels that made my calves ache – for more attention. My height gave me the added attention and I liked the air up there. My posture was great and I could hear my godmother say: “Bosoms out to the world.” It is just so much fun being tall.

In 1993 I was in a nasty car accident. Lost my nose, cheek bone and my eye orbit was crushed. Not the look of a cover girl, but I had wonderful doctors who put Humpty Dumpty Cassidy back together again. I had a long thin nose. I liked to think of it as a beautiful mix of English and Italian craftsmanship at its best. In it’s place was the carbon copy of a perky and cute nose. To know me is to know that I shun being perky and cute. I miss my nose. When I am in pictures with my siblings, my nose comes up short. I remember pulling at it as if that would work.My nose was my favorite facial feature. say that 3 times fast.

Last month I went in for my yearly check ups. I go to my gyno and a nasty, bitchy whatever tells me to get on the scale so she can weigh me and take my height. Honestly, I know both. Not good enough for satan’s child and when she takes my height I ask what it is. She walks away. You don’t do that to me. I can throw a life threatening look in front of you or behind your back. Pick one. I ask again and she says, ” 65 inches and 3/4.” This is when being awake during math class could have helped.

5′ 5′ and 3/4″ I am stunned and I don’t believe it for one minute. I start to tell her that something is wrong. I am 5′ 8 1/2″ and she ignores me. This is when I regret being a strong supporter of gun control. I give up on her and pray to the karma goddess to kick her to the curb later on. So I can run over her. Several times.

My doctor comes in and she says she can measure me again. Not a problem. I stand up like the proud tall woman I am and she says, “You’re 5′6.” I am saying “When the hell did this happen” about 300 times under my breath. I am shocked and slightly horrified.

Back in her office she checks my bone density results and I have a little loss in my hips. 2 bloody inches I ask! It’s called Osteopenia and I hate the name and what it is doing to my body. her recommendations to slow it down – calcium and vitamin D3- yes, it’s D3.

Being tall and having my long thin nose are becoming just a memory. I told my family so that they can take more calcium w/ the D3 and so that they can get their daughters aware of this problem that took my grandmother from a 6 foot tall woman (like I said – we grow them tall) to looking like a circle because her body caved in.

I don’t think that is going to happen to me. In fact, I will not let it happen to me. I am not going to walk around with my knuckles scarping on the wood floor. I might have evolved from the ape, but it’s not a look I plan on adapting. Banana, anyone?

I got to make a joke because I am freaked out. So take it from me- take calcium and vitamin D3. Check with your doctor to see how much.

I’m shrinking.

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